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Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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10:09 pm - Proof.
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Mathematical minds desire proof. Philsophical minds look at the fundamentals of society, and I was not willing to accept what existed, because it seemed like there was no proof. Now I think I am working out my own personal proof. One needs not to question everything, because you need to have some givens, some sort of fixed structure, otherwise the very nature of the attempt is doomed to fail.
Quit crew last semester, and that created this massive void, gave me time to think, but I realized that I need something to focus my energies on, and I'm finally able to do what I really want to do. I'm taking awesome classes (moral philosophy with a great prof), teaching adaptive skiing (woo!), playing soccer, and am working at a great place coming up with algorithms and patterns...These are all things I really wanted to do and am doing them!
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2001
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8:56 pm - Confusion
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After questioning reality for a while, I've come to the conclusion that I am genuinely confused about people/reality. Everybody is different, everybody is the same, and all sorts of fun stuff. Damn perspective.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 18th, 2001
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5:42 pm - Long time no update
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I've discovered Sartre and existentialism. The world ceases to exist as I found a philosophy in tune with my own.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2001
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4:51 pm - Why.
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The day people understand me is the day they understand why I ask the question why. Along with knowing that when I speak, I tend not to speak out of emotion, and therefore I'm not judging, just stating what I see. I really grow weary of people thinking that you do something because of a certain thing that everybody else does. God forbid somebody is actually different.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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11:32 am - stuff.
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"It was curious how that predestined horror moved in and out of one's consciousness. There it lay, fixed in future time, preceding death as surely as 99 precedes 100. One could not avoid it, but one could perhaps postpone it: and yet instead, every now and again, by a conscious, willful act, one chose to shorten the interval before it happened."
From 1984. Great book. Great book that is able to express such extremeties, but at the same time, those extremeties are exactly what people are. How many times do I think to myself "I shouldn't do this..." and I still do it. There's something about reading that gives you broader perspective, and you *think* these people may be different from 'everybody' else, but I don't think the characters in books are any different. The characters always come across as something extreme, psycho, heroic, but I think that is just humanity. Everybody is like that, and through a book you are actually able to see this, and that if you think you are weird and different, so too is everybody else, and through books are you able to see into others minds as you see into yourself.
That or I just project myself onto the books, in anycase, there's something about reading/writing .
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2001
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9:02 pm - connections
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PoS university dialup connections.
One boots me every hour, and the other has obscene amounts of packet loss.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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10:19 am - Money
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What is money? Money is a tool, nothing more, nothing less. It doesn't buy happiness, but it can prevent unhappiness. I realize that part of the reason why I would like to earn money is to give that money to other people so they would stfu. Money causes people to whine and whine and whine. Yet, I don't think it is powerful enough to do anything, because while they whine, they don't ever actually do anything about it. Therefore, money isn't such a big deal, so long as you have a house and aren't hungry. I think I equate success with the ability to help other people, and money enables you to help other people a lot. But so do a lot of other things, but it tends to be more macro than going to a soup kitchen or something. I mean, if you can do something, earn money for it, far more than is economically gained from volunteer work or something, and then turn that money into more, and then distribute that money to others, then you have gained more. Justification of being a capitalist!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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10:32 pm - Psychoanalysis
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Somebody I know suggested that I get psychoanalysis today. He's 70, incredibly bright, and a psychiatrist. He said that I could unlock my potential if I got it. I think regardless of unlocking anything, I want to do it. I've thought about it for a while, since it seems like an all around good idea. I definitely have problems with becoming attached to things (I don't get attached at all), I can get lofty, and I end up being far too blunt because I don't care at all. When I do care, then I may not be blunt at all, thereby completely hindering my expression. I think it would be really interesting and enriching to get psychoanalysis, I just hope I have the time (crew........).
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2001
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9:52 pm - good analogy
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here's something I read (rowing physiology -http://home.hia.no/~stephens/rowing.htm - good stuff)
training 3 hours a day will make you .5% better than training 1.5 hours a day.
Therefore
trying so hard to make things artifically work for you may help you out .5%
but that .5% cost you so much of your life.
Although, I definitely don't follow that because I really do enjoy the training, BUT, I think there is something to be said for it.
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(comment on this)
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9:38 pm - The world has stopped; time is frozen
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The passage of time is lost to me. I look back at the journal and can scarcely recall writing/feeling that way. I don't really look at the world, so time has stopped. What exactly is time? I don't really care actually. It is something, nothing, whatever. It is fun to just be. Poof, there you are, doing whatever you are doing. I somehow started to accelerate from the end of junior year up through the end of freshman year. Whatever time is, it doesn't go fast enough, and there is quite enough time. I don't think I really need to accelerate and think about what is going to happen when time passes, but rather, what I feel like doing and enjoying. I think I also learned that things happen naturally. Therefore, why force something unnatural? Just go with the flow. I think you can control the flow you are in, but once there, enjoy it?
I was passing out last year when I would goto bed. I'm still passing out now. Difference: smile on the face. And that makes all the difference, screw 'took the less traveled path'!. Actually, why couldn't frost have gone and explored the woods? Why did he even have to go forward? Why not just build a cabin or something on at the intersection, establish a shop, and then sell stuff to people from BOTH paths!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 15th, 2001
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9:36 pm - fast
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I like going fast. Fast that you feel. i.e, fast in a car you do NOT feel, because you are completely enclosed. Fast in a boat, fast on skis, fast on anything where you can feel the wind, now that is great. I guess you can also apply it to learning, to everything. Going slow just seems, so slow.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
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9:15 pm - My sister: The sponge
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Holy shit. Me, my mom, and my sister had dinner tonight. Talk about perspective. First 5 min 'Oh there is this bag that I need', 'Oh, can you come shopping and buy me food', then later on 'so you are paying for half of the car that I'm going to buy (which she plans on spending 9000)'. I'm disgusted, I really am. My sister has money. She's also a rising senior in college, so you'd think by now she would be more independent. Nope, still sponging, but isn't that what parents are for? I'm ok with asking people for help if you need it, but my sister neither needs any of those things, nor is she unable to afford them on her own. I never really noticed just how much my sister sponges off my parents, but everytime she is around them she tries to convince them to buy her stuff. blech. This train of thought probably goes against pretty much everybody, but I guess I feel you should be able to afford things that you'd like to get, and if you can't get a job, learn something, then get a job. I guess I also have little siblingness in me, and that causes me to be extra critical of my sister because she so far seems to have a complete and total lack of desire to do anything eventually. It isn't like her interests swing around; they just don't seem to be there.
On a side note, why is that when I think of people in general, an image of a tooth pick snapping comes to mind?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 9th, 2001
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12:22 pm - satire
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I really like comical satire. That's one reason why I like socrates (he doesn't make fun of people directly - but he makes everybody feel like a fool, which everybody is), and I have recently discovered aristophanes. He makes fun of socrates in his play "The Clouds," and I find myself laughing a lot to 2500 year old plays. The plays are so satirical, making fun of the time, but still having an element of intelligence.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2001
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10:24 pm - helping hands
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It can be really nice to get a helping hand. For the most part I had no guidance, no helping hands, nothing up until now. Now people are giving me guidance, advice, and helping me out. It is good stuff. When I think of the world that I used to dwell in, images of closed in boxes, muffled voices, and general disorder dominates. That's from just isolation. Now I see coordination...which is a much better way to get things done. Though, on a note of isolation, there was a conference for physists and philosophers where they said that the internet allows people to connect and share info too much, and that the greatest developments in science were created in nearly total isolation. But that's like winning the lottery, one in a few million will be fine in isolation, but not the rest.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 28th, 2001
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4:30 pm - People
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"******* (4:28:49 PM): i need a yach, a helicopter, jet, many ridiculous cars, and lots of bitches, oh yeah a lot of property"
Er. Wow. That is one reason why I'll never look back upon my decision to transfer.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 25th, 2001
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5:50 pm - Gym
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I'm finally going to be getting access to the CU gym. Funny how happy that makes me. I've spent the past month using a PoS erg and no weights. Now it is like woo! There is still hope that I can drop my 2k down a lot! Haven't been in a gym in over a month...where did the word gym come from? Gymnasiums are schools in germany, so where did gym come from? Then again, where do most words originally come from? Trace a word back far enough and what do you get...?
Stream of consciousness writing is fun. As is reading it.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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9:17 am - lactic acid
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mmmm
Nothing like the feel of lactic acid in the morning. Feel that blood ph drop!
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 24th, 2001
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8:36 pm - home
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it seems like nearly everything has a home, at least things on land. A nest, a house, burrow, den, something which is a 'home', where they return to. But what about the things that don't? What do they do? Like what does a fish do, does it sleep dormant, float around, what? Same with whales, and on land the animals just plop down, in the case of a herd. But then the home is almost formed by the other animals in a herd, but is there such a thing as a solitary animal that just plops/floats where ever it is? It seems to me that natural selection would probably have gotten rid of anything like that...
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(comment on this)
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8:24 pm - Competition vs Cooperation
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Too long have I been insanely competitive. There is just no reason to be like that. It is good, but I can continue to work hard and do well without the unnecessary competitive stress. Team work can also get your further. My problem is that I never really worked *with* people, because I always thought I could do things faster than the time it took to work with somebody, so I always worked alone. As you grow older, you become more specialized, and now I really need to be more cooperative. I can keep doing the same things, producing the same amount, but I can synthasize it with other people, and then summed up it will be more stuff!
I really love summer. It just seems so much more relaxed.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, June 22nd, 2001
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10:14 pm - looking back and memory
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I am looking back and thinking about whats happened in my life. Looking at this journal. I have never kept a journal, I take no photos, I travel and live light. Here, there, anywhere, its all the same. I reflect on a lot of things, but I realize that I completely forget to reflect on the most important things. I'm just a huge hypocrite. I advocate analyzing and thinking about what you've done, what you will do, and yet I don't. Toss me something to do, it'll be done without a thought. Most things don't even spark up any sort of flag in me. It is almost like "oh, again". Things seem to loose importance. In thinking that, I realize I have lost out in innumerable chances to learn. Times when I screwed up, but didn't have to, if I had spent that 5 seconds thinking. I think I am growing more aware, but I don't know. Perhaps this is an attempt to help, but maybe I should really go back and re-read all my journal entries every now and then, I mean isn't that part of the point of this?
I am trying not to dismiss things, people, as nothing. But it is hard. When I look around, I see so many futile actions, things that could be done better but aren't; people failing when they could just as easily succeed. Even in thinking that I doom myself to missing out on what really goes on. I think because I normally spend very little time on anything, when I see somebody spending a lot of time...well...I dismiss it then. But maybe I am completely missing something. Who knows, academically and physically I am quite sure that I don't miss something when I spend less time; those are things you can quantify: grades, endurance. But emotionally, socially, therein lies my weakness. I move from place to place, person to person too quickly to see what really goes on inside them.
I look back and see just how rough and sharp my edges are, to the point where I am 200% blunt while at the same time cutting through anything. I need to care. I *will* care. Mind over everything, and I am going to try to make my mind rethink and rediscover itself.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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sartan's journal